The Ghosts of My Past

Over a year ago, my daughter asked if I didn’t miss my previous career. She thought it was cool and what I do now is…boring. And the truth is, I do. I miss it very much.

I never questioned what I wanted to do in life. I graduated high school and a month later began studying for a degree in fashion design while working part time as a makeup artist. I had set so many goals then. I wanted to work on sets, sit front row at fashion week, have a by-line in the magazines I read regularly. In the fall of 2015, I attended what would be my last NYFW with my youngest in my belly. I didn’t know how life would change so suddenly. My father passed in February of 2016, I lost one of my major writing gigs while at his service, and by my tenth wedding anniversary that same year, unbeknownst to me, my then husband had moved on. It would be another 4 months until I found out that I “deserved” it because I no longer made enough money. Not that I believed it then or now, but it changed my outlook on a lot of things. And why do I share this now all these years later? Because after going back to Puerto Rico, I realized how lost after my father’s death I had become and how dealing with my divorce never allowed me to fully grieve or to hold space. And how in all those years, I never went back, afraid to visit his grave, to see his name on a head stone. I was afraid it would be real even though the hole in my heart already knew it was. Because I had been living with this anger and resentment of all that I had missed out on even prior to his death. In a fit of rage, I deleted my blog because it was riddled with my former name, and I wanted to disassociate myself entirely. But with that, I also wiped out over 16 years of content, my portfolio and my resume. Regrettably. While I continued to work part time as a makeup artist, my writing gigs (and honestly my desire to write) were gone. Then with two toddlers, a small child, and a divorce that wouldn’t wrap up for another 3 years, I had no time for projects or to accept fashion week invites. I did launch an aromatherapy line that was doing well…and then the pandemic hit. Stores canceled orders, the makeup company I freelanced for let us all go, and I turned to real estate out of necessity and a ten-year long insistence from my brother who worked in the industry. And I did well. So well, I finally jumped in headfirst with my brother to finishing building the home my father started and putting together a plan to convert it not only into our summer home but also a short-term rental to jump start a million other possibilities. But here is the dirty truth of it all, I enjoy the life real estate provides but miss the creativity that my previous career had allowed. So, after having this internal battle with myself for over a year, I’ve decided I’ll do it all again. Why not still freelance as an artist, stylist, writer especially now that I am in a better headspace and have the support system I’ve never had before. And while 16 years of content is gone, I now have this little corner of the universe that I can share and write even if there are no more publications knocking down my door, at least not yet. And so, I learned that while starting over is really hard, and going back is impossible, evolving is a more natural progression. So now, I hold space, to grieve and accept the fact that I cannot change all that I had missed, and I cannot go back and undelete my entire career, but I can start over again as I have mastered that art. Here’s to being the cool mom…again but more importantly, being me again.